Concerning the relativity of my time

Time, we lost track of the hours,

Pizza boxes towered,

On the floor beside the bed.

— “My Parent’s House”, Hayden

I’ve had the great fortune to have taken a sabbatical from work for the entire course of 2019. I thought a lot about time during this year, more than usual. I feel I’ve learned some things about it. Things that probably can’t be learned by reading an article, or listening to a podcast. The type of learning has been an innate, experiential type of learning. The type I can at most hope to remember, and use in the future for greater life satisfaction. Given this, I don’t expect this information to be perfectly useful to anyone. But perhaps, it’ll give you pause to think about your own relationship with time, and the power to shape it in constructive ways.

Ever since I read the word chronophobe I identified with it. I didn’t want to, but I do. I have a fear of not having enough time, to do the things I want to do, that I ultimately feel are necessary to make and keep me happy. This year, I’ve had the rare opportunity to really explore this, come to terms with it, and in doing so I understand myself much better.

I am, in fact, obsessive. Not terribly, not debilitatingly, but basically I am, and I’m ok with it. I like to do some things, and nothing else, for as long as possible. To exhaustion, and ideally past that.

I remember when I was a kid, I could rarely find a partner for games of almost any kind that would have the stamina to outlast me. They’d always want to quit before me.

Over the year(s) I’ve found a handful of things like running, breadmaking, writing apps, rubiks cubes, things that I can do without partners, that I rarely tire of. I would do them forever if my physical limits or the hours in the day didn’t constrain me. This is what I mean by obsessed — I mean, I will do some things, obsessively. And I like to. And I feel personally attacked when others express or teach even modest restraint doing activities that are clearly being enjoyed. Why stop, when something is so enjoyable?? Is there really a life outside that thing, in that moment?? Why not give it your all, until some parental or authoritative figure tears it out of your clutching hands. But wait — I’m an adult, I make my own decisions! Time to exhaust myself! …

At least that’s my inner dialogue. I do logically understand there is a time, and a place, for various things. Responsibilities, have a place. Work ethic, and doing the hard things have an important place in our lives. Growth, and building futures for ourselves. But what has really crystalized for me this year is the relativity of time, and how it is the comparison of one moment, to the next, and to all the moments that have passed (that can be even briefly or subconsciously remembered), that frames the optics and the magnitude of each passing moment, and ultimately what is possible in each moment. In a word, how we appreciate each moment. These optics are not at all fixed, although we often act like they are.

They say if you want something done, give it to a busy person to do. I’ve spent so many days this year doing nothing. I’ll skip the rabbit hole discussing the worth of a task, and what qualifies as some-, or no-thing, to simply say —I really do believe the more things you need to get done, the more you are capable of doing.

I wanted to see if I could actually exhaust myself by doing a thing I very much want to do, so much, that I outgrew it. And I’ve concluded, that I can not. Given the time, and the seed of desire, I’ll just keep on going. That’s me, and I’m cool with it. I unashamedly don’t care for restraint for things I love.

The other thing I realized is that the actual number of things that I long to do, and actually do, varies greatly based on the availability of my time. The more pressure the obligatory tasks put on my time, the less my mind wanders into possibility and exploration land, and my creativity is stifled to discover all the amazing things we could and would love to do. When time is freed, new things emerge.

Case in point, this year I finally picked up and learned how to do the Rubik’s Cube. Something I’ve longed to do my entire life, but have never broached due to “limited time”. It never made the short list before. But this year the list has been long…….. and I’m delighted to say, I now keep a super fun 6x6 cube next to my bed and it offers my ears a lovely clicking sound, my hands fluidity, and my mind poetry.

When I was working in years past and I’d occasionally wake up in the wee hours unable to quickly fall back asleep. I’d often be frustrated with the lost sleep, my stirred mind, and waste of the cycles. I’d focus on getting back to sleep, to do my best to make the coming day as effective as possible.

About midway through this past year, I would occasionally still wake up in the wee hours, my mind usually stirring with excitement and possibility of what I’d set my mind to in the new day. But instead of lamenting my sleepless brain, I would just get up. Pour a glass of water and sit on the sofa, and read, write, listen to music, or just sit there, thinking. It obviously helped knowing I could fit a nap in later on in the day… but really, if this is how I’m most effective, and I know this now, why would I not offer my best self to my employer, my friends? Four productive, creative hours a day, at most. Time. Damn you time, I love you.

It took me about 3 months into this year of not working, to feel unwound. Like a coil had been building up for my entire career, and finally had the time to unravel. The typical 3 weeks of North American vacation days per year is not designed to allow appropriate recharging, its simply the socially and culturally accepted largest amount of time businesses feel employees should be entitled to not have their butts in a seat. It doesn’t optimize for creativity, for productivity. It’s not personal, it’s not specific to individual needs. It’s geared towards paying-for-time mentality, and manual labour — definitely not creative driven work. It’s all so backwards. Going forward, I plan on doing right for myself, and anyone that I work for in the future. High integrity, and high respect for my time. It belongs to no one but me.

What is obvious to me and most, when there are constraints placed on your time, it only escalates the appreciation for the things we love. This year I feel I have learned to feel that same level of appreciation if I have a single moment, or thousands of moments to do a thing. I got drenched in the middle of an ancient forest with a throbbing calf, I wasn’t sure I’d make it out. I felt the air from Africa on the edge of the Gibraltar strait. I aimlessly toured bistro culture in Paris with my beloved partner in time (see what I did there!). With as many hours or days as I could fathom to keep exploring, turn around, or just take a nap. Coupled with nearly 20 years of 9–5ish office life, work that I love, and cementing ever more that each moment is a gift, I can design my life, to maximize whatever is important to me at a given moment. This past year, it was joy, and a better understanding of myself. Maybe next year it will be leisure. Maybe impact. Maybe purpose. Whatever it is, and whether I even decide or figure what I want or not, I feel unequivocally prepared to deal with and appreciate each day, and each moment as it comes. Cause each one is really a gift.

I had planned to do some fancy infographics converting all I said above into pretty graphs, and visual cues to help explain my thinking. Not surprisingly, I felt doing other things with my time was a better idea. I’ll leave you instead with xkcd’s Time.